ALBERT HERTER

WINNERS OF THIS YEAR’S WASHINGTON POST MENSA INVITATIONAL. AND MORE. VERY FUNNY. A LIGHTER TOUCH. ENJOY.

In Uncategorized on May 20, 2009 at 01:19

Mensa  Invitational:   Here are the winners of this year’s Washington
Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration  (n.):  The act of buying a house, which renders the
   subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 2 Ignoranus:  A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

 3. Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until 
     you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
    bright ideas from penetrating.   The bozone layer, unfortunately,
    shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:  Any misrepresentation about yourself  for the purpose
    of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
    person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:  It’s, like, when everybody is sending off all these 
      really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s 
      like, a serious bummer.
12.  Decafalon (n.):  The grueling event of getting through the day
       consuming only things that are good  for you.

13. Glibido:  All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
      when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.):  The frantic dance performed just after
       you’ve accidentally walked through a spider  web.

16. Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into 
      your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
 
17.  Caterpallor (n.):  The color you turn after finding half a worm
       in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.  And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.  The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v  To give up all hope of ever having a  flat  stomach.

4. Esplanade, v,  To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj.  Impotent.

6. Negligent,  adj.  Absentmindedly  answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.  To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle,  n.  Olive-flavored  mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence, n..  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who’s been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n.  A rapidly receding  hairline.

11. Testicle n.  A humorous question on an  exam.

12. Rectitude, n.  The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.  A Rastafarian proctologist.

14 . Oyster, n.  A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n.  The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n.  An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 

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  1. Actually, there isn’t any “Mensa Invitational,” but The Washington Post does have a wonderfully clever humor contest called The Style Invitational. And two Invitational contests from 1998 are the sources of many of the neologisms in the list above. (But not all: For example, “decafalon” isn’t a one-letter change from “decathlon,” is it? Or “caterpallor”?)

    Much better to see the the current Invitational — every week at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. We’ve had more than 600 contests since the ones above! The Style Invitational is published every Saturday in The Post’s Style (features) section, and every Friday afternoon at about 3:30 Eastern time. There are neologism contests regularly, and lots of other sources of humor as well.

    In fact, we just did the change-one-letter contest a few weeks ago, except that you had to start with a word beginning with Q, R, or S. Here are some of the top winners (results printed Aug. 28):

    Republicant: “Government can’t solve your problems — elect us so we can prove it.” (Evan Hadley, Potomac, Md.)

    Quinceañerda: A teen’s party with piñatas, dungeons and dragons. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala)

    Quickstand: The one-nighter that sinks a marriage. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

    Buick-tempered: Unexcitable. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

    Refiance: To replace your subprime boyfriend when your interest starts to vary. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

    Crapacity: The size of one’s attic. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

    Rococoa: Haute chocolate. (Nick Curtis, Alexandria, Va.)

    See the rest of the winners and learn how to enter the current contest at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Or you can become a fan of “Washington Post Style” on Facebook (go to facebook.com/wapostyle ) and you’ll get a link to the Invitational when it’s posted. I hope you become a regular reader and maybe even a regular entrant.

    Best, The Empress of The Style Invitational

    The Washington Post

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